Field of Lost Memories
by Cam's Fallen Angels
Summary: What if after Edward left, Bella had jumped off the cliff in a suicide attempt? She comes out alive but she loses more than just Edward, she loses her memories. Can she remember the one thing she's dying to forget…or will never knowing haunt her for life?


**FIELD OF LOST MEMORIES**

**SUMMARY**

**What if after Edward left, Bella had jumped off the cliff in a suicide attempt? She comes out alive but she loses more than just Edward, she loses her memories. Can she remember the one thing she's dying to forget…or will never knowing haunt her for the rest of her life?**

…**~*~…...**

.

**And all these nightmares I once had as a child  
The morning always came, it came too late  
What did my mind forget, forget to hide  
Could the nightmare be awake, I don't know**

**- **_**Tender Sugar by Silent Hill 4**_

…**~*~…...**

It's been three months. Thirteen weeks. Ninety-two days. One hundred twenty-nine thousand and six hundred minutes.

Three months since _He _left.

Three months since my life basically ended.

My name is Isabella Swan, I used to prefer Bella but I don't care anymore. It never failed to remind me how my nickname would curl lovingly around his lips.

Lovingly. What a joke. _He _never loved me.

It was all just a game. I thought we both players yet it turns out that I was merely a pawn. An _inconsiderate_ _plain_ _worthless_ _abandoned_ pawn.

….I guess that's what I get for falling in love with a vampire.

"_Shhh, Bella, Shhhh. It's alright sweetheart. It's alright." I sobbed into Charlie's strong arms as he whispered comfort in my hair. Comfort that we both knew would never come. _

_ I felt so guilty. This had become our nightly routine. I would always wake him up with my screaming. My nights were only known with pain, remembrance, and anguish. _

_ The nightmares were relentless. Never giving me peace. And I had them every single night._

"Is? Is?"

I snapped back into reality to see Angela with her hand on my arm. Her warm inviting smile hiding her obvious worry.

"Hey.." She whispered. "Welcome back to reality."

I smiled tiredly.

After my whole ordeal with _him._ I had shut everyone out, except for Angela. Somehow she just …_got _me. She understood.

Yet her loyal friendship made me sick with guilt.

Angela goes out of her way each day to watch out for me. Without me even telling her about my aversion to my shortened name Angela, out of nowhere, started calling me Is. We just understood each other like that.

"Is…look…I have something to tell you."

I frowned. Usually when she started with the whole 'Is…look…' routine she had bad news.

Is she alright? "Is everything okay, Ange?" I asked. She's not sick, right? Oh my God please don't let her have Cancer! I can't survive without her!

Of course I knew I was jumping the gun but still…

Her brown eyes were filled with guilt but then switched to worry.

Reaching across her unbitten pizza she brushed her fingers across the skin under my eye. Silently changing the subject.

I looked down ashamed.

"Bella…" She sighed.

I winced.

Angela shook her head, grimacing at me. Yet another person I disappoint.

"You're not sleeping. Again." Angela said sadly.

I fidgeted with the loose strings hanging off the sleeve of my hoodie. It was true. I don't sleep. If I close my eyes for even a second I am haunted. By memories. By nightmares. By _him_.

He promised it would be as if he never existed! Yeah right! He's everywhere! In my thoughts. In my head. In my dreams. _Everything_ and _anything_ reminds me of him.

But yet again, the remembrance is a gift as it is a curse. Because I could never ever forget Edward Cullen.

The hole in my chest grew wider at his name but I refused to comfort myself. I deserve the pain. I wasn't good enough.

"Bella." Angela's voice catapulted me back into reality. I found myself staring into her concerned brown eyes.

I glanced back down. Staring at the black threads as if it were the most important thing in the world.

The truth is…I don't sleep, hardly. I am also most likely anorexic. The once snug black hoodie hung loosely off my frame. Almost vampire like bags hung under my plain brown eyes, a smooth pale lavender.

The human body can go eleven days without sleep before failing, but not without consequences. To soothe Angela's fears I always go to sleep for about six hours every three days.

Okay, that's a lie. But it's what I tell her.

I actually fall asleep for about three hours every four or five days but I don't really keep track.

Never would I have thought I'd become anorexic but here I am. I can't really blame him any more than I blame myself. It's my fault he left. I wasn't good enough for him. It is my fault. Starving myself is my akin to cutting since it hurts. But the whole cutting thing didn't work out since I faint at the smell of blood.

"Bella please…." Angela pleaded, tears watering in her eyes. "Don't do this to yourself. Think about Charlie."

I winced. That was a low blow and she knew it.

Charlie. Dad. Home..

Swallowing back my tears I nodded. "Okay." I croaked. My voice was cracked and rough from disuse.

She gave me a half-hearted smile and nodded.

I really wish I could do that for her. If only I wasn't so scared of the nightmares. My nightmares didn't just consist of him. They consisted of Victoria coming back for me. In my dreams she would always kill Charlie, Renee, and Angela right in front of me before finally killing me. Slowly.

Angela slid out of the red booth, her pizza left untouched on the table. Fumbling in her bag for something she pulled out five dollars and laid it on the table. "Hey I gotta go. I'm supposed to meet Ben soon."

I smiled. Angela and Ben were truly the definition of soul mates. I'm glad she has someone to make her happy. Happy looks good on her.

"And it looks good on you too, Is." She whispered sadly.

Whoops did I say that out loud?

Slinging her back pack over her shoulder she pushed the plate of the diner's home-style pizza over to me. "Eat." She encouraged. Smiling she hugged me gently before gliding out the door calling, "Bye Is!" behind her.

"Bye." I muttered.

I shifted uncomfortably in the booth as I stared at the pizza. My stomach growled, twisting in knots. I could just take one bite.

No! He broke his promise! I refuse to keep mine.

Clenching my jaw I grabbed my book bag and stormed out of the diner.

.

.

I sighed as I walked down the barren road, the night stars glittering high over my head.

I had stopped using my truck ages ago because walking all this way made me uncomfortable. And the more uncomfortable I was, the better.

Wolves howled in the distance and I smiled. It reminded me of Jacob. Of course I already knew he was a werewolf. Okay well as of six weeks ago I did. It wasn't shocking but what was, was my reaction.

Besides Angela Jake had been someone like me, human, safe, loyal. But now that he's a werewolf it just makes me feel even more alienated than I was before. I was the lone weak pitiful human, once again.

My sun started getting farther and farther away until I just stopped going to see him. He reminded me too much of Edward.

I winced at his name but didn't stop my direction of thoughts. I walked down the dark road. Snow covered the sides of the black road, sticking to the fabric of my hoodie making me soaked.

Crap. I think I might be somewhere near La Push instead of home. Maybe the beach? Hell for all I know I could be in Port Angelos!

"Stupid blizzard," I muttered.

The sound of my chattering teeth got louder and louder as I felt my body getting number and colder.

Suddenly I saw a dark blue abandoned Buick sitting in the middle of the road.

Shock ran through me as I instantly recognized it as Angela's. Her stick on Raiders sticker was on the back of the car.

What is she doing here? She was supposed to be at Ben's forty-five minutes ago…

Worried I slowly started jogging up to the car, snow whipping wildly around.

A strong rusty salt smell overwhelmed me and my stomach lurched. My feet flew to a stop, plunging into the snow.

No! _No!_

Scarlet colored the snow leading up to the edge of the forest. Sprawled out motionlessly, face up, was Angela.

My hand flew to my mouth in horror as the tears started pouring down my cheeks. Auburn hair splayed across her pale face but it didn't cover up the gruesome slash across her throat. Red splattered the ivory ground with her blood mixing with my falling tears.

"Angela…" I choked. No! No! No! Not her! Please not her!

"No!" I screamed.

Salty tears blinded me as I suddenly bolted, cutting through the woods. My feet carrying me in the direction I wanted to go. Needed to go.

Waves crashed against the stone of the cliff as I neared the edge.

Without slowing down, without a second thought I threw myself off.

Air whistled by me, rushing into my ears. I happily embraced death. Angela was all that kept me here. The one person who cheered me on. The one person who stayed by me, who hadn't given up on me.

Renee would check on Charlie.

Charlie!

My eyes snapped open in panic. What was I thinking, I can't leave him? Frantically I tried to grab onto the fast passing rocks only to succeed in plunging even harder into the water.

Ice choked my lungs, scorching my throat like white fire. I gasped, kicking wildly as I raced to beat free of the current. The only life line being the air I now held in my cheeks.

My muscles cramped up and I stopped moving. This is what I want. Charlie will understand.

Goodbye Angela, I'll soon see you.

Goodbye Charlie, Mom, Phil, I love you guys.

I released all the air and purposely started gasping in the sweet deadly water as if it were my poison. Slowly I felt myself sink further and further down into the icy depths, my body growing number and number.

It felt like I was being detached from my body. My mind and soul being strung, out, free of any previous physical limitations.

As I slowly felt darkness take over the water I faintly heard a voice.

"Bella!"

Jacob? I thought. Goodbye.

Fire burned in my lungs while ice attacked my body and as I gave way to the darkness my last thought was:

_Goodbye Edward…_

.

.

.

Opening my eyes I saw a meadow. It wasn't _our _meadow. In fact, it was much more beautiful. Ivory and velvet roses decorated the satin green grass. Dew drops lightly rested on only the vibrant electric purple lotuses. A small stone bridge stretched but the other end faded into the dark lighted oblivion.

Where am I?

My gaze slightly trailed up only to gasp as I saw the lavender sky flying overhead.

Is this heaven? This certainly can't be hell.

All I could feel was such a warmth that it bubbled in my fingertips. Color rose to my cheek as I felt my soul leap with content.

My dark drag hoodie and muddied jeans had been traded in for a blue blouse and khaki skirt. _The _outfit. The one I wore when I first met the Cullens.

I waited for the pain to rip through my chest at the thought of their name but it never came. Not even the memories of Edward could bring me down. Content and warm I laid down against the soft blades of grass and petals.

My hair felt soft and cleaner than it had been in weeks, resting against my face as I watched the purple sky fly over me.

Hey! This reminds me of the song Angela has on her CD.

Still trapped in my odd euphoria I began humming the song while singing in my head.

_In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby  
I lie inside myself for hours_

"_And watch my purple sky fly over me…_" I sung out loud. The cotton clouds moved with the light breeze, flying over me.

"No no no! You're not supposed to be here!" A warm voice said.

Snapping my head towards the voice I suddenly leapt to my feet. "Angela!"

Angela stood in the middle of the beautiful meadow. She wore the strapless green dress with the gold outlined top that she had worn to prom.

But all and all it was truly her.

"Angela!" I cried again, rushing over to her. I, amazingly, made it without tripping. We both stared into each others eyes. Brown melting into brown. Not making a move to touch or hug or cry. Only basking in the fact that the other was really here.

"You're not supposed to be here!" Angela shrieked, breaking the heavy silence.

I frowned. She didn't want me here? "Wh…what…do you mean?" I whispered, letting my gaze fall to the deep dark purple lotuses beneath me.

"Oh no Bella that's not what I meant." She stretched her hand out like she wanted to touch me but didn't. Did she hate me too? I was more surprised that my old nickname left no pain.

"It's okay." I whispered.

"No Bella I mean that you're not supposed to be here. Dead. With me." Angela clarified. Her hair whipped wildly against the purple sky.

"Yes I am." I whispered stubbornly though something in my soul was telling me I wasn't.

Sighing Angela knelt down and picked up a dark violently purple lotus and put it in my hands, covering and squeezing my clasped hands with her own.

She stared into my eyes with such intensity that it scared me. "Listen, Bella. I now know about Edward and the Cullens," My eyes widened. "I know what they did. But trust me Bella that's not the whole story. You have to listen to Edward when he comes but right now you're in danger. This entire thing was se-"

Dark laughter tinkled throughout the air and a tense chill ran up my spine.

Panicked Angela squeezed my hands tighter with the lotus. "You don't have much time. Go. Now."

Quickly she kissed the base of my hairline on my forehead. "Live Bella. Live."

Before I could respond the skin of my body began dissolving before my very eyes. The maniacal laughter grew louder but was lost as I found myself once again tumbling into darkness.

My mind, body, and soul became one again but I couldn't help but feel like something was missing. That a part of me was missing.

Slowly everything came back into focus. Sound flooded my ears, my fingertips tingled.

The loud annoying beeping grew louder and louder, rushing into my ears like knives.

I was so cold but didn't shiver for some odd reason. Though I could hear and feel I couldn't make my body move.

"…Severe hyperthermia…"

"… stabilized ten minutes ago…"

"…doctor…"

"…suicide…"

"….murdered her…"

My flushed ears only caught bits and pieces of sound but one had my attention.

"It's alright to touch her now. The heat from your bodies won't drastically change her temperature. Just don't hug or smother her. Call a nurse if you need anything."

"Thank you, Doctor."

A loud sound rang, probably the door shutting.

"It's been a week Charlie! What if she never comes out of it."

"Don't worry Renee…Renee! Don't go near her yet!"

Suddenly there was a flaming warmth on where my hand was. Another hand?

"Come on, Bella. Come on sweetie…wake up…wake up…." A thumb stroked my hand.

"Renee! Get off of h-"

My eyes suddenly opened. Bright lights danced across my sight and I blinked in pain.

Maddening white walls surrounded me along with a bunch of machines and a couple of people.

A tall woman with dark brown hair in a bun, flushed face and brown eyes.

A husky man with dark hair, scratchy looking mustache, and a police badge.

And a third person that stood next to him with sandy hair and a baseball Tee on.

The woman cried kissing my forehead as the other two fondled over me as well.

"Oh Bella!"

"Bella sweetheart!"

"Welcome back Bells!"

During the hugs I suddenly became overwhelmed. My heart pounded in my chest, blood racing in my ears. "Stop." I whispered weakly but they didn't hear and kept on hugging and kissing me.

"Stop."

"Stop!" I yelled, my voice coarse.

They all stopped and looked at me expectantly.

All my strength slipped into my rough voice as I looked confused at all them. _"Who's Bella?"_

.

**Please review XD**

**-River**


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